Silent all years

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where
Some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough to get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years...

Always....

And by the simple act of deleting my email account and destroying my sim.

I have for all intents and purposes dropped off the face of the planet.

Goodbye.

Kikuyu

There is a blog entry from someone in Kenya who is Kikuyu who asks what does it mean to be Kikuyu and asks a non-kikuyu friend to explain it.

It sort of gets summed up here.

There is this episode of 'sisters' where Georgie is thinking about committing suicide and Teddy says something that was so wise.

She was considering it in New York and then saw an ad for an old movie she always wanted to watch and stayed up to watch it. After that she looked for small things to want.

That's the key when life gets dodgy. But also Georgie decides not to do it because of how it would affect those she left behind.

Back in 2000, a colleague from university killed himself.
He was a british asian guy, I remember him being tall and slightly chubby.
He hung himself with a belt, in his room.

Story is his father told him he wouldn't amount to anything, because he didn't get an exemption from the professional exams in his second year results. If I remember he didn't fail for university purposes, so we are talking ten marks here. Cause the university pass mark was 45 but the professional exemption is 60.

And I just wonder, although I wasn't that close to him, if someone else had just been there to say, It's OK.

It's like dead poets society.

Haunting.

The difference is..... for myself.......this time around.
I learnt compassion.

It wasn't for very long but.... I saw a friend lose sight of gestalt

"a structure, configuration, or pattern of physical, biological, or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit with properties not derivable by summation of its parts"

More than

As am I.

One part, does not negate the others.

However, for the time being. As I am redefining my roles and relationships. I must cut ties to those involved in triggering the transformation.

Because ........ and this is in case the experiment fails.

At all times, we have a choice to continue in this life.
The exit door is open to all of us, at any time.

And that's not a bad thing. It's part of moving on.

We are all dying.......at different rates.
It is an inevitable conclusion to our lives. Always.

I have no regrets to this point.
Travel light and you can sing in the robber's face.

Headstones

I am changing career path because he's right.

It's not regulations, and bad ones at that, which we need.

It's people who think on a generational basis.

The problem with that is that, due to the nature of the corporate career ladder.
The folks who rise, are not those who put family before bonuses.

Alternative, get out, save myself.

No one puts their occupation on their headstone.

But it is on almost every form we fill out whilst living.

Does something wrong with that?

How we judge and regard each other?

The Dawning

Would you give up the future to save the past?

To rewind to today, 1998.

YES!

For the chance to go all the way back, to my beginnings.

YES!

I'd be willing to die tomorrow.

For one more day.

To say goodbye, ... as I should have.

Remy De Gourmont

Nothing exists except by virtue of a disequilibrium, an injustice. All existence is a theft paid for by other existences; no life flowers except on a cemetery.

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word

Village

Despite being an urban rat,

This rat is tired of running.

Just as well the recession is starting to grind things to a halt.

So what's next...

unpaid work,... caring, study,

Falling asleep with the sound of the waves in my ears.

But the truly remarkable thing....

In the little village, I sleep under a window with no bars.

Happiness.

Physiology

OK, I am going admit.

Biochemistry.... having only done CXC Biology and A level Chemistry.

Is daunting.

I am good. But I'm not that good.

Very well, First year University it is, sad sad sad.

My degree in 'find x' really does not apply to my chosen profession by any stretch.

I am having difficulty grasping the concepts.

D's sister told me, his was a life well lived.

She herself did a first degree in Chemistry then went back to do Optometry, after a few years teaching.

I concede defeat.

It would be best to start at the beginning.

:(

Age

The death don't age.

4 September will forever be the day that D ceased to create new memories.

44 years.

56 years.......... would have been 67.

Life is like a box filled with sand with gems buried in it.

You dig down and sometimes you uncover a gem.

The bigger the gem is the more work it takes to unearth it.

And if you aren't careful to evenly distribute your efforts you might dig yourself into a hole it is hard to climb out of to see other digging places and in so doing miss other gems.

You can't get them all.

You have to make choices.

My choice is health.

It feels right and intuitive.

Gone to dig.

Mother Earth and Father Time

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

Thank you

Say good-bye
To not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye
To not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember
The strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you saved me
I'll remember

Inside
I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside
I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember

I learned
To let go
Of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
To let go
I travel in stillness

And I'll remember
Happiness
I'll remember
(I'll remember)
(I'll remember)

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember (I'll remember)

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)

Last Day

I feel old.

Time is a gift.

But in this world, witnessing violation takes a toll on our souls.

My soul feels, tired.

Time is tempered by waves.

Laughter, bright eyes looking back at having finally seen focus.

On Saturday I return to ALTA to retrain.

The stories of some of my students are heartbreaking.

But at least for two hours, after childhoods of pain.

We honestly do try to create an environment

feel secure
can try things out in safety
needs are being meet in ways relevant and appropiate
are actively involved and engaged
see and experience they are welcomed
respected as adults and individuals in their own right

And it works, and none of us are paid.

We all volunteer our time to do this, this my third year giving of myself.

I truly hope that this attempt to turn the volunteer work into a day job, by switching to an allied health profession pans out.

Because after eight years in the financial industry.

With a pension liability that has been gambled away and pocketed.

The social fabric of our society is going to need help to cope with the anger and violence,

created by GREED.

The end of the career

It has been eleven years since I embarked on my journey to a career largely in the financial sector.

However in the fall out that has hit Trinidad.

I cannot in good conscience continue to engage in this profession.

There is an undercurrent of anger, that is justified.

I have most of my working life ahead of me.

Now is the time to return to the stronghold of my forefathers.
The chinese in this country have traditionally been the first line of credit as shopkeepers. And I am surprised that the current elders are willing to bring back the old ways of sou sou and lay away plans, and be the organisers.

But my bet is on them. They didn't climb out of their villages, just like that.
It took what the current bankers with their bonus incentives, don't have.

Intuitive people sense, hard work and strategic vision for building generational wealth.

Because that's how they think, they don't care about the next fiscal, they think about their children.

That's all I had to do to get the opportunity I am now taking.

I am a good investment.

Six degrees of separation

There is something in the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

And perhaps the axiom I should now follow is

First do no harm.

Another way to state it is that "given an existing problem, it may be better to do nothing than to do something that risks causing more harm than good." It reminds the physician and other health care providers that they must consider the possible harm that any intervention might do. It is invoked when debating the use of an intervention that carries an obvious risk of harm but a less certain chance of benefit. Since at least 1860, the phrase has been for physicians a hallowed expression of hope, intention, humility, and recognition that human acts with good intentions may have unwanted consequences.

Winding down

I can't wait to get out of here. I have already mentally left.

Time for me to go do something productive, rather than go in circles.

I am not a rat.

But I do wonder when the psychology of denial will finally sink in here.

As it is, the real source of the financing is getting power, and they are ruthless.

At what price to your citizens are you willing to pay for the palace.

A war not declared, can never end.

But as luisa valenzuela said

All blood must come to its place of quietude

Hate

This is best definition of hate that I have ever heard.

The thing is, as much as I try not to let it affect myself, I see it everyday.
All around. We are an angry people. And getting angrier and angrier.
Until one day, it is just going to explode.

PICARD
I think... when one has been angry
for a very long time... one gets
used to it. Then it becomes
comfortable... like old leather.

And finally, it is so familiar
that one can hardly remember
feeling any other way.

But in the long run, we are the
ones who are damaged by that kind
of anger. We are. Not them.

Game over

There is no looking back.

I knew what I was doing in January.

And I do not regret my actions.

No use wondering about what if now.

It is past.

Time to look ahead.

UWI here I come.

A Mother's Dream

Part of me, is holding out.

I want to want the dream my mother had for me.

But the reality is I don't want that life for myself.

I am more than ready to move on.

I've been ready for years now.

So why am I still tottering ???

Extroverts

I really must learn to keep my feelings to myself, in front of certain extroverted persons in my family.

I might get a partially deserved, sound scolding.

Very well, so long as I am still in transition. I will make a greater attempt to be diplomatic about my outer counternance.

Sheesh.

I lost

Oh well, guess I am Cat afterall

"Nothing had changed. Jule had said it: to be alive was to be disappointed.
You tried and failed and kept on trying, never knowing whether you'd ever get
what you wanted. But sometimes we get what we need.

Now I had everything to start over again, with even odds this time.
Only a fool would throw all that away.
This was the place where past and future came together:
I held them both in my hands. "

So now, I look to the future.

It is sad that it includes, leaving this country, possibly for good.

Nepotism and racial politics will kill this country.

I have finally given in. The best and the brightest, will leave for a place where they will be heard.
Where people are willing to listen, beyond prejudice and bias.

Only when we stop tearing at each other like crabs in a barrel will we realise, that the only way forward is to build on the foundations of our ancestors. Each generation.

To become a nation: a tightly-knit group of people which share a common culture.


"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

Game On

1. First is the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear. Let your greatest fears become clear to you. You may be concerned for your survival, but you must let those fears go.
2. Next is the Water Chakra, located in the abdomen. It deals with pleasure, and is blocked by guilt. Look at the guilt from your past that burdens you. Let them go, or they will poison your energy. Meditate and realize that these things happened for a purpose.
3. Next is the Fire Chakra, located at the stomach. It deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame. Recognize the biggest dissapointments in yourself, and what you are ashamed of. Accept that these things happened.
4. Now is the Air Chakra, located at the heart. It deals with love, and is blocked by grief. Lay all of your grief out in front of you. If you have lost someone close, you must realize love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. The love is still in your heart, and can be reborn in the shape of new love.
5. Next is the Sound Chakra, located at the throat. It deals with truth, and is blocked by lies. The lies we tell ourselves. You must not lie about your own nature. Accept who you are.
6. Up next: the Light Chakra, located at the forehead. It deals with insight, and is blocked by illusions. The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation. Things we think are separate are actually one and the same. Like the nations of the world: we are all one people, but we live as if divided.
7. Last is the Thought Chakra, located at the crown of the forehead. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attatchments. Meditate on what attatches you to this world. Let your emotions flow and be forgotten. You must unlock this chakra to gain your energy from the universe.
8. Congratulations! You've unlocked all of the chakras! Now go show that Fire Lord Ozai who's boss!

Patience

The chinese symbol for patience is knife through the heart.

Patience, he said, patience is a little like sticking a knife in your heart. It’s painful. It’s not what you’d do willingly.

Yet if you truly respect and love each other, it means you chose someone else to put first, even beyond your own wants and needs. And no, though it doesn’t stop hurting, it does get easier to let go of the selfishness keeping your wounds fresh and stinging every time you exercise patience.

I’m not going to enjoy the journey. No one’s keeping score along the way. The journey is the reward. Should I fail to find the joy in the now, should my patience stretch too thin to see the humor in today then I truly have failed.

The reality is we are in the here and now.

And to bring closure to this part of my journey, I have to go back to once more to the bargaining table.

The symbol for wisdom is the way between the mouth and the ear.

It's time to speak and to listen.

Wishing blue skies

Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on their way.
Here's hoping that the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.
It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Time warp

What is really bothering me about this entire situation is that, for all intents and purposes it appears we are living in the 1950's.

How is that even possible?

Does anyone in this island understand the message of Obama.

Change can happen, but only if you are willing to embrace, risk.

The nepotism and racism is strangling this country.

We need to learn, to stand on the shoulders of giants.

To learn from our mistakes.

It is very costly to the hearts and souls of our people to keep repeating them.

What legacy do we give our children when we pander to the system.

Everyone tells me this is a fight I can't win.

It is the cycle. The way of life here.

I beg to differ.

I have the audacity to hope.

Back hurts

I am hoping that, that time of the month is coming.

I am feeling very down today, it is just as well as I have enough flexibility in the job to sit with the laptop in the garden to do it. Feel the sunlight, and watch my parrot preen himself.

Be thankful for small mercies.

Trini Girl Blue

The secret to the valley is to have a simple want that can be fulfilled.

I'm in the same place, but the good thing for me is that this is familiar territory. I know the landscape.

I have a sense of direction this time, I know where I am going.

So little want.

A day at the beach. Either Corpus Christi or better if I can swing it, a beach house for Labour Day weekend.

A night spent listening to the sound of the ocean.
A day spent watching at awe at its vastness.
Knowing that it connects me to some distant shore elsewhere.

A glimmer of hope in the horizon.

The Child - Me

And when I die and when I'm dead, dead and gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
I'm not scared of dying and I don't really care.
If it's peace you find in dying, well, then let the time be near.
If it's peace you find in dying, when dying time is here,
just bundle up my coffin cause it's cold way down there,
I hear that's it's cold way down there, yeah, crazy cold way down there.
And when I die and when I'm gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
My troubles are many, they're as deep as a well.
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell.
Swear there ain't no heaven and pray there ain't no hell,
but I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell,
only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell.
And when I die and when I'm gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
Give me my freedom for as long as I be. All I ask of living is to have no chains on me.
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me,
and all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally.
Don't want to go by the devil, don't want to go by the demon,
don't want to go by Satan, don't want to die uneasy, just let me go naturally.
And when I die and when I'm gone, there'll be one child born, there'll be one child born.
When I die, there'll be one child born. When I die, there'll be one child born.
When I die, there'll be one child born. When I die, there'll be one child born.

Living Legacy two

If you are only attempting to imitate the parent.

You are destined to fail.

At some point, your own self identity. Combined of both parents, if you were lucky enough to have them.

Other parental influences.

And TIME.

Will finally be distilled into your own self identity.

Know yourself.

The secret to success.

In LIFE.

I am a living legacy

An only child alone and wild
A cabinet maker’s son
His hands were meant for different work
And his heart was known to none

He left his home and went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me a gift I know
I never can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn’t wait

He earned his love through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

My brothers’ lives were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago
And the other to St Paul

And I’m in Colorado
When I’m not in some hotel
Living out this life I’ve chose
And come to know so well

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go

I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I don’t think
I said, "I love you" near enough

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band.

The mile has just started, hope it gets easier

Passed a young man on the street dressed in rags couldn’t have been more than 25
Lying on the sidewalk in a sleeping bag and a sign that read:
Your kindness keeps me alive
I remember I stopped and turned around couldn’t hold my tongue saying something about that sign bothers me
So I asked him, “Why’s a guy like you healthy, white and young living off working folk’s charity?” He said,

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you

My mouth fell open wide shocked by the truth
The look in his eyes was wise and sad
He said, “Brother, I was born a rich man’s son, but I gave it all away, every last dollar I ever had”.
He wanted to know how it felt to be humbled by disdain, pity and indignation.
He asked me if I’d read the book Black Like Me. He said it was his inspiration.

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you

Just when we think we know what’s really going on
Life serves us a surprise
A lesson to learn again and again
‘Cause we’ve all been victimized by prejudice and lies

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you.

Avatar

Book 2 Chapter 19

Time to clear my chakras.

This is painful.

Am I the Queen or the Soldier ?

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangeling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on

What I want to tell Cedric

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Don't give up' cos you have friends
Don't give up You're not beaten yet
Don't give up I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up You still have us
Don't give up We don't need much of anything
Don't give up'cause somewhere
There's a place where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us

Don't give up
Please don't give up'

Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up' cause you have friends
Don't give up You're not the only one
Don't give up No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up You still have us
Don't give up now We're proud of who you are
Don't give up You know it's never been easy
Don't give up'cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong

Not ready as yet

I thought about going to UWI summer school, but the deadline was yesterday and well....

I don't want to set up myself for a fall, I need to let go of my anger.

And that is very hard, I am accustomed to using it to drive me. It is in many ways my strongest source of motivation. To let go would be to admit that I am helpless, and alone and sad and have an emptiness inside me, a deep sense of longing.

And nothing and no one can fill that void. And it can't be filled and I have to live with it. Be conciously aware of it, learn how it affects me. My behaviour. And to do that would be to admit defeat.

I'm not ready to do that, not for the present situation at the moment. I'm not finished. I have unfinished business I have to fix.

When I have done that, maybe I can let go. When I've given it all that I have, so til then, I suppose I am making a concious decision to hold on to some of my anger. As unhealthy as it is.

Life sucks.

Turning 30

I turn 30 in December.

I have already decided that some serious changes are necessary before then. Strangely enough, the job is not one of them.

If I am still there in December it will officially be the longest I have ever been with an employer. Weird.

But it is a stepping stone to the career I want. Which unfortunately has a whole set of emotional hurdles to reach.

But for the first time in a very long time I have a vision of the future.

Time to play in my own interests

Somewhere down the line
We've found the riddle and the rhyme
Like two notes played out of time
Now we don't feeling the score, no no

Somehow through the years
We let the laughter turn to tears
And all those feelings once so clear
Just not here anymore?anymore
And sometimes I?

Wish we were heroes in the setting sun
Ride up together when the story's done
No sad goodbyes no, alibis just
Two heroes waving from the back of a train
Two heroes never feeling all of the pain

Heartbreaking rending of knowing the ending is near
Then it's time for goodbye
But so much for heroes we could never be heroes
Because heroes don't cry

Someone used to say
Love is a wind that goes astray
Stirs the heart and blows away
Ah, but who's to say
What makes it go, but you know that?

Wish we were heroes in the setting sun
Ride up together when the story's done
No sad goodbyes no, alibis just
Two heroes waving from the back of a train
Two heroes never feeling all of the pain

Heartbreaking rending of knowing the ending is near
Then it's time for goodbye
But so much for heroes we could never be heroes
Because heroes don't cry

Trinidad is too small

I think the seven degrees of separation rule is probably about three.

My mother calls me from beyond

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a woman, my daughter!

Dogs in a manger

I had guards like watchdogs dogs in a manger
I could feel the protection possession and anger
and I drove out of there with no one behind me
Feeling funny and free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
And I got nothing to hide

I laughed as I said it
This is my situation
It's not pictures or privilege
Its just self preservation

I don't want you to feel any obligation
would it be so funny to be free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
And I got nothing to hide

We act empty and innocent
But we are fueled by distortions of lives led in discontent
Trading misfortunes
(now you guard your faith)
Cause faith is one thing that is hard to deliver
(temper your speed)

It feels funny being free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers

Pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't we precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
I got nothing to hide

I had guards like watchdogs dogs in a manger

Dog or Dogeater

I am beginning to realise that Cedric may not be a dogeater by nature. He's scared. I mean yeah, Lord voldemort is scary but he is not unbeatable.

It is by examining the true nature of Voldemort and sacrificing himself that Harry Potter was able to beat Lord Voldemort.

But that requires a level of courage and resolve, that I am not sure is in the Trini psyche.

The question becomes, who is the rightful hogwarth's champion. In that minute where they have to decide who takes the cup.

I suspect that Harry Potter needs to go on by himself like in the Philosopher's stone.

For every Bastard, an Angel

Here's to the memory of the person who taught me how to roast chestnuts

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping on your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
I am a better person for having known you

LOOKING THROUGH THE EYES OF LOVE

Please, don't let this feeling end,
It's everything I am,
Everything I wanna be;
I can see what's mine now,
Finding out what's true,
Since I've found you
Lookin' through the eyes of love

Now I can take the time,
I can see my life
As it comes on shining now;
Reaching out to touch you,
I can feel so much,
Since I've found you
Lookin' through the eyes of love.

And now I do believe,
That even in a storm, we'll find some light;
Knowing you're beside me,
I'm alright.

A theory

Maybe the thing which made you a good shop owner, came with a hidden compromise which was not detected since the halting language was assumed to be a result of the foreign language barrier and not a thought pattern. Or maybe the original mother tongue, required this said thought pattern which explains a lot.

Uhmmm....

Saying NO

I was once told by a very wise person, that what will save you in this world is when you say no.

Another very wise person told me, is that you do not pick your battles, but you can pick your battlefield.

It takes a lot of effort just to manoeuvre yourself into a position from which you can fight certain battles. But only when you are in position, can you really advance.

Hopefully things will come together next week.

I am ready to start.

New Career Choice

Masters in Occupational Therapy.

Start doing it distance from FIU.

This is the problem with being so bright.

The possibilities are endless, but in some ways this will also suit me.

You read my mind

Trini Girl Blue, must have read my mind.

It's been ten years since my mother died. And I have for some time, 2006 I suspect, been unable to shake this underlying sadness that travels at my side. I remember climbing temple IV in Tikal, Guatemala. It was a trip I had planned for two years prior.

And I watched the moon fade and the sun rise and still, in that perfect moment. Something was missing. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I met Cedric, by happenstance. Or perhaps it was fate. He helped me remember the part of me that is my mother. She lives inside me everyday. But there are parts of her that, now that I am an adult in my own right. I have to leave and put aside.

This is the hardest thing that I will ever have to do in my life.

And I have to do it alone, without her here to tell me its OK.

And that takes a giant leap of faith in my own judgement.

But until I do this, I will never be able to take my place where I truly belong.

Dream job

Design the working relationships and connections between all things.

Each component in a system performs multiple functions, and each function is supported by many elements.

Key to efficient design is observation and replication of natural ecosystems, where designers maximize diversity, stress efficient energy planning, using and accelerating natural succession, and increasing the highly productive "edge-zones" within the system.

Now take any system, natural or man-made and build the controls for cross linkages and feedback.

I highly doubt this is something which is taught in academia.

Particularly for me, since I don't really stop at people or technology or plants. I go Da Vinci

My masters?

Course Code: GINF 5010
Course Title: Principles of Geoinformatics

Course Code: ENGR 6012
Course Title: Hydrology & Drainage Systems

Course Code: ENGR 6013
Course Title: Chemistry & Microbiology for Environmental Engineering

Course Code: MENG 6405
Course Title: Total Quality Management

Course Code: ECNG 6613
Course Title: Database Systems Principles & Design

Course Code: IENG 6002
Course Title : Distributed Information Systems & Databases

AGCP 6250 (AC 624) - WEED SCIENCE (8 Credits)

AGRI 6210 (AP621) - BIOLOGY, ECOLOGY AND EPIDEMIOLOGY
OF PESTS (4 Credits)

AGSL 6143 (AS 643) - TROPICAL SOIL SCIENCE (4 Credits)

AGSL 6140 (AS 640) - SOIL CHEMISTRY AND FERTILITY
(4 Credits)

AGSL 6141 (AS 641) - SOIL WATER MANAGEMENT

COMP6400 (CS64B) - DESIGN AND ANALYSIS OF
ALGORITHMS (4 Credits)

COMP6730 (CS62C) - CRYPTOGRAPHY (4 Credits)

E-books

I really do want this book, but ....

I think I need yet another credit card.

Really my life is getting way too complicated.

2010 ?

1990... will we ever learn
Or will our children keep running and running
until the end of time
1990... will hands of love ever reach out
Or will they be there just to strengthen the crime?
It is strange that the more we change, rearrange
Everything still feels the same

2010... please make a liar of me

Thoughts on Obama

I have been having several conversations with different people about the status quo in this country. I have also been reading Obama's Dreams of my father.

Maybe it is naive, but we need to decide if the time is coming when we too, shall challenge the status quo of this country.

It has been a long time since I have had race and skin tone and class, openly thrown in my face against me. It's ......beyond words.

But beyond the anger and despair. Is the audacity of Hope.

Hope that we can challenge our ancestors legacy of fear.

Refuse to hand it down.

And each do our part, in our own little sphere, to impart understanding.

Third time lucky?

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that it's much better if I get it for myself...
And she says

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, what do you hear in these sounds?
And... oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds? ? ? ? ?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "oh", I say "what? "...she says "exactly",
I say"what, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry? "
She says "look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses? "
And.......

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?
And...oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds? ? ? ? ?

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like east berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, the stories that nobody hears...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...

I am alive

Just thinking a lot

"You may still be here tomorrow....
but your dreams may not"

I realised too late

There's a girl inside the woman
who's waiting to get free

They think she's just a mother
with nothing left inside
who swapped her dreams for drudgery
the day she was a bride
but the dreams were not forgotten
just wrapped, and packed away
in the hope that she could take them out
and dust them off one day

There's a girl inside the woman
and the mother she became
and half-remembered song comes to her lips again

The girl would sing the melody
but the woman stands in doubt
and wonders what the price would be
for letting the young girl out

Common cold

I broke my own rules about working whilst sick.

The result is I now have serious chest congestion.

Every time I start to drift off, I cough myself awake.

It's getting worse.

So it looks like I will be out for the week. Really must try to document things better, so it's easier for other to pick up.

Sleep needy.

End Game

" And dammit, you should have discussed it with me.
I felt it would have lead to an unnecessary argument.
Maybe it would have lead to a necessary argument.
....
There must be responsibility...
It wasn't your place to do so.
Perhaps, Perhaps not. Sometimes you simply have to assess the situation and say, ' Dammit, it's me or no one.' And if you can't live with no one, then you have to take action.
....
The correct answer is: It's gone. So why dwell on it?"

Illusions

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Game Plan

After the panic subsides, it's time to form the game plan.

The game now is capital preservation. Time to rebalance portfolios and reassess risk ratings.

Rule number 1. Take care of yourself first. A financial advisor is of no use if they are worried about themselves, subliminally affecting their decisions.

Rule number 2. Don't panic. In a market this small it is easy to crash the system. I need to have my game face ready by monday, which means I have to sort myself out.

New currency distribution - 33% in foreign currency. Had this underlying rule but given poor rate of return, got greedy and overbalanced on the TT side.

Rule 3 - Obey your best rule of thumb.

Rule 4 - Even spread TT risk between institutions, overbalanced on this as well. See rule 3.

Alright time frame

Carnival is here, whilst diminished there should be enough FOREX flowing in the system for my purposes. So rebalance by carnival.

Chinese Curse

May you live in exciting times

Leadership

Last year, work sent me on the stupid Dale Carnegie Leadership Training.

Total waste of time.

I am always surprised that leadership exists within me, since it only comes out in crisis....

You find that the ride is getting kind of bumpy,

Realise that the driver is losing control,

Look around

Shout for help

And no one arrives....

What do you do ?

I guess I'm it.

A jump into the Abyss

Years ago, in university, a group of us pooled together to buy a friend the gift of a bungee jump. She turned it down, company was nice we got a refund and had drinks but at the time I couldn't understand why she didn't want to do it.

Now facing the figurative abyss, I understand what she must have felt.

Even though you are prepared and there are safety ropes, there are still risks associated with taking the plunge.

It's even more precarious because I have to do a tandem jump.

I don't know if I want him to say yes or no.

I would probably be somewhat relieved if he says no.

Either way, here we go.

Stopping a rolling boulder

This is going to hurt.

But I feel the need to make an attempt.

Viekevie

Today was a real viekevie day.

I mean it was like impossible to keep focus, anywhere.
Too much competing, conflicting information.

Tomorrow afternoon's meeting is going to be much fun.

Leadership cannot be taught, it must be learned.

Here comes the plunge.

Design

Just because you are on a well trodden path, doesn't mean it leads to where you want to go.

This year is the big 3 0.

So what have I accomplished?

I've learned
to love and to let go
to fight and to look before rushing into the fray
to keep a dream in the field of vision, but not be afraid to pass by a road that seems to lead to it
that sometimes courage is confronting the known rather than the unknown

I wouldn't be who I am now, if things had been different.

And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Drip Drip Drip

Apparently flow has a clog somewhere, so it has been drip, drip, drip, drip.

Time to catch up on some other activities. But I just had to say this.

You see that "advanced" decay body they found today.

He no doubt died last year.

I put the real count at 1,000.
545 + 15% (unfound bodies) = 627 + 373 (missing)

Still I don't feel unsafe day to day, maybe I'm oblivious but it was sunny today.

2009

Things to look forward to in 2009.

Hopefully the project I am working on will come to an end, so I can move on.

K gets to progress to the next level.

I find a new extracurricular come July.

I find something to invest in.