Silent all years

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where
Some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough to get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years...

Always....

And by the simple act of deleting my email account and destroying my sim.

I have for all intents and purposes dropped off the face of the planet.

Goodbye.

Kikuyu

There is a blog entry from someone in Kenya who is Kikuyu who asks what does it mean to be Kikuyu and asks a non-kikuyu friend to explain it.

It sort of gets summed up here.

There is this episode of 'sisters' where Georgie is thinking about committing suicide and Teddy says something that was so wise.

She was considering it in New York and then saw an ad for an old movie she always wanted to watch and stayed up to watch it. After that she looked for small things to want.

That's the key when life gets dodgy. But also Georgie decides not to do it because of how it would affect those she left behind.

Back in 2000, a colleague from university killed himself.
He was a british asian guy, I remember him being tall and slightly chubby.
He hung himself with a belt, in his room.

Story is his father told him he wouldn't amount to anything, because he didn't get an exemption from the professional exams in his second year results. If I remember he didn't fail for university purposes, so we are talking ten marks here. Cause the university pass mark was 45 but the professional exemption is 60.

And I just wonder, although I wasn't that close to him, if someone else had just been there to say, It's OK.

It's like dead poets society.

Haunting.

The difference is..... for myself.......this time around.
I learnt compassion.

It wasn't for very long but.... I saw a friend lose sight of gestalt

"a structure, configuration, or pattern of physical, biological, or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit with properties not derivable by summation of its parts"

More than

As am I.

One part, does not negate the others.

However, for the time being. As I am redefining my roles and relationships. I must cut ties to those involved in triggering the transformation.

Because ........ and this is in case the experiment fails.

At all times, we have a choice to continue in this life.
The exit door is open to all of us, at any time.

And that's not a bad thing. It's part of moving on.

We are all dying.......at different rates.
It is an inevitable conclusion to our lives. Always.

I have no regrets to this point.
Travel light and you can sing in the robber's face.

Headstones

I am changing career path because he's right.

It's not regulations, and bad ones at that, which we need.

It's people who think on a generational basis.

The problem with that is that, due to the nature of the corporate career ladder.
The folks who rise, are not those who put family before bonuses.

Alternative, get out, save myself.

No one puts their occupation on their headstone.

But it is on almost every form we fill out whilst living.

Does something wrong with that?

How we judge and regard each other?

The Dawning

Would you give up the future to save the past?

To rewind to today, 1998.

YES!

For the chance to go all the way back, to my beginnings.

YES!

I'd be willing to die tomorrow.

For one more day.

To say goodbye, ... as I should have.

Remy De Gourmont

Nothing exists except by virtue of a disequilibrium, an injustice. All existence is a theft paid for by other existences; no life flowers except on a cemetery.

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word

Village

Despite being an urban rat,

This rat is tired of running.

Just as well the recession is starting to grind things to a halt.

So what's next...

unpaid work,... caring, study,

Falling asleep with the sound of the waves in my ears.

But the truly remarkable thing....

In the little village, I sleep under a window with no bars.

Happiness.

Physiology

OK, I am going admit.

Biochemistry.... having only done CXC Biology and A level Chemistry.

Is daunting.

I am good. But I'm not that good.

Very well, First year University it is, sad sad sad.

My degree in 'find x' really does not apply to my chosen profession by any stretch.

I am having difficulty grasping the concepts.

D's sister told me, his was a life well lived.

She herself did a first degree in Chemistry then went back to do Optometry, after a few years teaching.

I concede defeat.

It would be best to start at the beginning.

:(

Age

The death don't age.

4 September will forever be the day that D ceased to create new memories.

44 years.

56 years.......... would have been 67.

Life is like a box filled with sand with gems buried in it.

You dig down and sometimes you uncover a gem.

The bigger the gem is the more work it takes to unearth it.

And if you aren't careful to evenly distribute your efforts you might dig yourself into a hole it is hard to climb out of to see other digging places and in so doing miss other gems.

You can't get them all.

You have to make choices.

My choice is health.

It feels right and intuitive.

Gone to dig.

Mother Earth and Father Time

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

Thank you

Say good-bye
To not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye
To not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember
The strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you saved me
I'll remember

Inside
I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside
I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember

I learned
To let go
Of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
To let go
I travel in stillness

And I'll remember
Happiness
I'll remember
(I'll remember)
(I'll remember)

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember (I'll remember)

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)

Last Day

I feel old.

Time is a gift.

But in this world, witnessing violation takes a toll on our souls.

My soul feels, tired.

Time is tempered by waves.

Laughter, bright eyes looking back at having finally seen focus.

On Saturday I return to ALTA to retrain.

The stories of some of my students are heartbreaking.

But at least for two hours, after childhoods of pain.

We honestly do try to create an environment

feel secure
can try things out in safety
needs are being meet in ways relevant and appropiate
are actively involved and engaged
see and experience they are welcomed
respected as adults and individuals in their own right

And it works, and none of us are paid.

We all volunteer our time to do this, this my third year giving of myself.

I truly hope that this attempt to turn the volunteer work into a day job, by switching to an allied health profession pans out.

Because after eight years in the financial industry.

With a pension liability that has been gambled away and pocketed.

The social fabric of our society is going to need help to cope with the anger and violence,

created by GREED.

The end of the career

It has been eleven years since I embarked on my journey to a career largely in the financial sector.

However in the fall out that has hit Trinidad.

I cannot in good conscience continue to engage in this profession.

There is an undercurrent of anger, that is justified.

I have most of my working life ahead of me.

Now is the time to return to the stronghold of my forefathers.
The chinese in this country have traditionally been the first line of credit as shopkeepers. And I am surprised that the current elders are willing to bring back the old ways of sou sou and lay away plans, and be the organisers.

But my bet is on them. They didn't climb out of their villages, just like that.
It took what the current bankers with their bonus incentives, don't have.

Intuitive people sense, hard work and strategic vision for building generational wealth.

Because that's how they think, they don't care about the next fiscal, they think about their children.

That's all I had to do to get the opportunity I am now taking.

I am a good investment.

Six degrees of separation

There is something in the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

And perhaps the axiom I should now follow is

First do no harm.

Another way to state it is that "given an existing problem, it may be better to do nothing than to do something that risks causing more harm than good." It reminds the physician and other health care providers that they must consider the possible harm that any intervention might do. It is invoked when debating the use of an intervention that carries an obvious risk of harm but a less certain chance of benefit. Since at least 1860, the phrase has been for physicians a hallowed expression of hope, intention, humility, and recognition that human acts with good intentions may have unwanted consequences.

Winding down

I can't wait to get out of here. I have already mentally left.

Time for me to go do something productive, rather than go in circles.

I am not a rat.

But I do wonder when the psychology of denial will finally sink in here.

As it is, the real source of the financing is getting power, and they are ruthless.

At what price to your citizens are you willing to pay for the palace.

A war not declared, can never end.

But as luisa valenzuela said

All blood must come to its place of quietude

Hate

This is best definition of hate that I have ever heard.

The thing is, as much as I try not to let it affect myself, I see it everyday.
All around. We are an angry people. And getting angrier and angrier.
Until one day, it is just going to explode.

PICARD
I think... when one has been angry
for a very long time... one gets
used to it. Then it becomes
comfortable... like old leather.

And finally, it is so familiar
that one can hardly remember
feeling any other way.

But in the long run, we are the
ones who are damaged by that kind
of anger. We are. Not them.

Game over

There is no looking back.

I knew what I was doing in January.

And I do not regret my actions.

No use wondering about what if now.

It is past.

Time to look ahead.

UWI here I come.

A Mother's Dream

Part of me, is holding out.

I want to want the dream my mother had for me.

But the reality is I don't want that life for myself.

I am more than ready to move on.

I've been ready for years now.

So why am I still tottering ???

Extroverts

I really must learn to keep my feelings to myself, in front of certain extroverted persons in my family.

I might get a partially deserved, sound scolding.

Very well, so long as I am still in transition. I will make a greater attempt to be diplomatic about my outer counternance.

Sheesh.

I lost

Oh well, guess I am Cat afterall

"Nothing had changed. Jule had said it: to be alive was to be disappointed.
You tried and failed and kept on trying, never knowing whether you'd ever get
what you wanted. But sometimes we get what we need.

Now I had everything to start over again, with even odds this time.
Only a fool would throw all that away.
This was the place where past and future came together:
I held them both in my hands. "

So now, I look to the future.

It is sad that it includes, leaving this country, possibly for good.

Nepotism and racial politics will kill this country.

I have finally given in. The best and the brightest, will leave for a place where they will be heard.
Where people are willing to listen, beyond prejudice and bias.

Only when we stop tearing at each other like crabs in a barrel will we realise, that the only way forward is to build on the foundations of our ancestors. Each generation.

To become a nation: a tightly-knit group of people which share a common culture.


"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

Game On

1. First is the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear. Let your greatest fears become clear to you. You may be concerned for your survival, but you must let those fears go.
2. Next is the Water Chakra, located in the abdomen. It deals with pleasure, and is blocked by guilt. Look at the guilt from your past that burdens you. Let them go, or they will poison your energy. Meditate and realize that these things happened for a purpose.
3. Next is the Fire Chakra, located at the stomach. It deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame. Recognize the biggest dissapointments in yourself, and what you are ashamed of. Accept that these things happened.
4. Now is the Air Chakra, located at the heart. It deals with love, and is blocked by grief. Lay all of your grief out in front of you. If you have lost someone close, you must realize love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. The love is still in your heart, and can be reborn in the shape of new love.
5. Next is the Sound Chakra, located at the throat. It deals with truth, and is blocked by lies. The lies we tell ourselves. You must not lie about your own nature. Accept who you are.
6. Up next: the Light Chakra, located at the forehead. It deals with insight, and is blocked by illusions. The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation. Things we think are separate are actually one and the same. Like the nations of the world: we are all one people, but we live as if divided.
7. Last is the Thought Chakra, located at the crown of the forehead. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attatchments. Meditate on what attatches you to this world. Let your emotions flow and be forgotten. You must unlock this chakra to gain your energy from the universe.
8. Congratulations! You've unlocked all of the chakras! Now go show that Fire Lord Ozai who's boss!

Patience

The chinese symbol for patience is knife through the heart.

Patience, he said, patience is a little like sticking a knife in your heart. It’s painful. It’s not what you’d do willingly.

Yet if you truly respect and love each other, it means you chose someone else to put first, even beyond your own wants and needs. And no, though it doesn’t stop hurting, it does get easier to let go of the selfishness keeping your wounds fresh and stinging every time you exercise patience.

I’m not going to enjoy the journey. No one’s keeping score along the way. The journey is the reward. Should I fail to find the joy in the now, should my patience stretch too thin to see the humor in today then I truly have failed.

The reality is we are in the here and now.

And to bring closure to this part of my journey, I have to go back to once more to the bargaining table.

The symbol for wisdom is the way between the mouth and the ear.

It's time to speak and to listen.