Symmetries

Silent all years

2009-09-21T11:17:00.002-04:00

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while?
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that

Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know but nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me you never shut up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?

My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where
Some screams have gone?
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough to get us there?

'Cause what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these...

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand?
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left?
One more casualty
You know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling

Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
And it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you
Here, take hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid?
In these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care
'Cause sometimes
I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent all these years

I've been here
Silent all these years
Silent all these
Silent all these years...

Always....

And by the simple act of deleting my email account and destroying my sim.

I have for all intents and purposes dropped off the face of the planet.

Goodbye.

Kikuyu

2009-09-20T19:13:00.002-04:00

There is a blog entry from someone in Kenya who is Kikuyu who asks what does it mean to be Kikuyu and asks a non-kikuyu friend to explain it.

It sort of gets summed up here.

There is this episode of 'sisters' where Georgie is thinking about committing suicide and Teddy says something that was so wise.

She was considering it in New York and then saw an ad for an old movie she always wanted to watch and stayed up to watch it. After that she looked for small things to want.

That's the key when life gets dodgy. But also Georgie decides not to do it because of how it would affect those she left behind.

Back in 2000, a colleague from university killed himself.
He was a british asian guy, I remember him being tall and slightly chubby.
He hung himself with a belt, in his room.

Story is his father told him he wouldn't amount to anything, because he didn't get an exemption from the professional exams in his second year results. If I remember he didn't fail for university purposes, so we are talking ten marks here. Cause the university pass mark was 45 but the professional exemption is 60.

And I just wonder, although I wasn't that close to him, if someone else had just been there to say, It's OK.

It's like dead poets society.

Haunting.

The difference is..... for myself.......this time around.
I learnt compassion.

It wasn't for very long but.... I saw a friend lose sight of gestalt

"a structure, configuration, or pattern of physical, biological, or psychological phenomena so integrated as to constitute a functional unit with properties not derivable by summation of its parts"

More than

As am I.

One part, does not negate the others.

However, for the time being. As I am redefining my roles and relationships. I must cut ties to those involved in triggering the transformation.

Because ........ and this is in case the experiment fails.

At all times, we have a choice to continue in this life.
The exit door is open to all of us, at any time.

And that's not a bad thing. It's part of moving on.

We are all dying.......at different rates.
It is an inevitable conclusion to our lives. Always.

I have no regrets to this point.
Travel light and you can sing in the robber's face.

Headstones

2009-09-19T21:47:00.002-04:00

I am changing career path because he's right.

It's not regulations, and bad ones at that, which we need.

It's people who think on a generational basis.

The problem with that is that, due to the nature of the corporate career ladder.
The folks who rise, are not those who put family before bonuses.

Alternative, get out, save myself.

No one puts their occupation on their headstone.

But it is on almost every form we fill out whilst living.

Does something wrong with that?

How we judge and regard each other?

The Dawning

Would you give up the future to save the past?

To rewind to today, 1998.

YES!

For the chance to go all the way back, to my beginnings.

YES!

I'd be willing to die tomorrow.

For one more day.

To say goodbye, ... as I should have.

Remy De Gourmont

2009-09-19T19:56:00.003-04:00

Nothing exists except by virtue of a disequilibrium, an injustice. All existence is a theft paid for by other existences; no life flowers except on a cemetery.

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word

Village

2009-09-18T18:52:00.002-04:00

Despite being an urban rat,

This rat is tired of running.

Just as well the recession is starting to grind things to a halt.

So what's next...

unpaid work,... caring, study,

Falling asleep with the sound of the waves in my ears.

But the truly remarkable thing....

In the little village, I sleep under a window with no bars.

Happiness.

Physiology

2009-09-14T20:13:00.002-04:00

OK, I am going admit.

Biochemistry.... having only done CXC Biology and A level Chemistry.

Is daunting.

I am good. But I'm not that good.

Very well, First year University it is, sad sad sad.

My degree in 'find x' really does not apply to my chosen profession by any stretch.

I am having difficulty grasping the concepts.

D's sister told me, his was a life well lived.

She herself did a first degree in Chemistry then went back to do Optometry, after a few years teaching.

I concede defeat.

It would be best to start at the beginning.

:(

Age

2009-09-11T01:34:00.002-04:00

The death don't age.

4 September will forever be the day that D ceased to create new memories.

44 years.

56 years.......... would have been 67.

Life is like a box filled with sand with gems buried in it.

You dig down and sometimes you uncover a gem.

The bigger the gem is the more work it takes to unearth it.

And if you aren't careful to evenly distribute your efforts you might dig yourself into a hole it is hard to climb out of to see other digging places and in so doing miss other gems.

You can't get them all.

You have to make choices.

My choice is health.

It feels right and intuitive.

Gone to dig.

Mother Earth and Father Time

2009-09-10T00:22:00.002-04:00

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

Thank you

2009-09-06T23:23:00.001-04:00

Say good-bye
To not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye
To not knowing how to cry
You taught me that

And I'll remember
The strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you saved me
I'll remember

Inside
I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside
I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember

I learned
To let go
Of the illusion that we can possess
I learned
To let go
I travel in stillness

And I'll remember
Happiness
I'll remember
(I'll remember)
(I'll remember)

And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember (I'll remember)

No I've never been afraid to cry
Now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)
No I've never been afraid to cry
And I finally have a reason why
I'll remember (I'll remember)

Last Day

2009-09-01T19:39:00.002-04:00

I feel old.

Time is a gift.

But in this world, witnessing violation takes a toll on our souls.

My soul feels, tired.

Time is tempered by waves.

Laughter, bright eyes looking back at having finally seen focus.

On Saturday I return to ALTA to retrain.

The stories of some of my students are heartbreaking.

But at least for two hours, after childhoods of pain.

We honestly do try to create an environment

feel secure
can try things out in safety
needs are being meet in ways relevant and appropiate
are actively involved and engaged
see and experience they are welcomed
respected as adults and individuals in their own right

And it works, and none of us are paid.

We all volunteer our time to do this, this my third year giving of myself.

I truly hope that this attempt to turn the volunteer work into a day job, by switching to an allied health profession pans out.

Because after eight years in the financial industry.

With a pension liability that has been gambled away and pocketed.

The social fabric of our society is going to need help to cope with the anger and violence,

created by GREED.

The end of the career

2009-08-11T19:09:00.002-04:00

It has been eleven years since I embarked on my journey to a career largely in the financial sector.

However in the fall out that has hit Trinidad.

I cannot in good conscience continue to engage in this profession.

There is an undercurrent of anger, that is justified.

I have most of my working life ahead of me.

Now is the time to return to the stronghold of my forefathers.
The chinese in this country have traditionally been the first line of credit as shopkeepers. And I am surprised that the current elders are willing to bring back the old ways of sou sou and lay away plans, and be the organisers.

But my bet is on them. They didn't climb out of their villages, just like that.
It took what the current bankers with their bonus incentives, don't have.

Intuitive people sense, hard work and strategic vision for building generational wealth.

Because that's how they think, they don't care about the next fiscal, they think about their children.

That's all I had to do to get the opportunity I am now taking.

I am a good investment.

Six degrees of separation

2009-08-06T21:42:00.002-04:00

There is something in the saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

And perhaps the axiom I should now follow is

First do no harm.

Another way to state it is that "given an existing problem, it may be better to do nothing than to do something that risks causing more harm than good." It reminds the physician and other health care providers that they must consider the possible harm that any intervention might do. It is invoked when debating the use of an intervention that carries an obvious risk of harm but a less certain chance of benefit. Since at least 1860, the phrase has been for physicians a hallowed expression of hope, intention, humility, and recognition that human acts with good intentions may have unwanted consequences.

Winding down

2009-08-01T18:22:00.002-04:00

I can't wait to get out of here. I have already mentally left.

Time for me to go do something productive, rather than go in circles.

I am not a rat.

But I do wonder when the psychology of denial will finally sink in here.

As it is, the real source of the financing is getting power, and they are ruthless.

At what price to your citizens are you willing to pay for the palace.

A war not declared, can never end.

But as luisa valenzuela said

All blood must come to its place of quietude

Hate

2009-07-20T20:47:00.001-04:00

This is best definition of hate that I have ever heard.

The thing is, as much as I try not to let it affect myself, I see it everyday.
All around. We are an angry people. And getting angrier and angrier.
Until one day, it is just going to explode.

PICARD
I think... when one has been angry
for a very long time... one gets
used to it. Then it becomes
comfortable... like old leather.

And finally, it is so familiar
that one can hardly remember
feeling any other way.

But in the long run, we are the
ones who are damaged by that kind
of anger. We are. Not them.

Game over

2009-07-17T21:31:00.003-04:00

There is no looking back.

I knew what I was doing in January.

And I do not regret my actions.

No use wondering about what if now.

It is past.

Time to look ahead.

UWI here I come.

A Mother's Dream

2009-07-14T18:57:00.001-04:00

Part of me, is holding out.

I want to want the dream my mother had for me.

But the reality is I don't want that life for myself.

I am more than ready to move on.

I've been ready for years now.

So why am I still tottering ???

Extroverts

2009-07-01T20:23:00.001-04:00

I really must learn to keep my feelings to myself, in front of certain extroverted persons in my family.

I might get a partially deserved, sound scolding.

Very well, so long as I am still in transition. I will make a greater attempt to be diplomatic about my outer counternance.

Sheesh.

I lost

2009-06-21T19:01:00.002-04:00

Oh well, guess I am Cat afterall

"Nothing had changed. Jule had said it: to be alive was to be disappointed.
You tried and failed and kept on trying, never knowing whether you'd ever get
what you wanted. But sometimes we get what we need.

Now I had everything to start over again, with even odds this time.
Only a fool would throw all that away.
This was the place where past and future came together:
I held them both in my hands. "

So now, I look to the future.

It is sad that it includes, leaving this country, possibly for good.

Nepotism and racial politics will kill this country.

I have finally given in. The best and the brightest, will leave for a place where they will be heard.
Where people are willing to listen, beyond prejudice and bias.

Only when we stop tearing at each other like crabs in a barrel will we realise, that the only way forward is to build on the foundations of our ancestors. Each generation.

To become a nation: a tightly-knit group of people which share a common culture.

"We are like dwarfs sitting on the shoulders of giants. We see more, and things that are more distant, than they did, not because our sight is superior or because we are taller than they, but because they raise us up, and by their great stature add to ours."

Game On

2009-06-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

First is the Earth Chakra, located at the base of the spine. It deals with survival, and is blocked by fear. Let your greatest fears become clear to you. You may be concerned for your survival, but you must let those fears go.
Next is the Water Chakra, located in the abdomen. It deals with pleasure, and is blocked by guilt. Look at the guilt from your past that burdens you. Let them go, or they will poison your energy. Meditate and realize that these things happened for a purpose.
Next is the Fire Chakra, located at the stomach. It deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame. Recognize the biggest dissapointments in yourself, and what you are ashamed of. Accept that these things happened.
Now is the Air Chakra, located at the heart. It deals with love, and is blocked by grief. Lay all of your grief out in front of you. If you have lost someone close, you must realize love is a form of energy, and it swirls all around us. The love is still in your heart, and can be reborn in the shape of new love.
Next is the Sound Chakra, located at the throat. It deals with truth, and is blocked by lies. The lies we tell ourselves. You must not lie about your own nature. Accept who you are.
Up next: the Light Chakra, located at the forehead. It deals with insight, and is blocked by illusions. The biggest illusion of all is the illusion of separation. Things we think are separate are actually one and the same. Like the nations of the world: we are all one people, but we live as if divided.
Last is the Thought Chakra, located at the crown of the forehead. It deals with pure cosmic energy, and is blocked by earthly attatchments. Meditate on what attatches you to this world. Let your emotions flow and be forgotten. You must unlock this chakra to gain your energy from the universe.
Congratulations! You've unlocked all of the chakras! Now go show that Fire Lord Ozai who's boss!

Patience

2009-06-11T22:20:00.002-04:00

The chinese symbol for patience is knife through the heart.

Patience, he said, patience is a little like sticking a knife in your heart. It’s painful. It’s not what you’d do willingly.

Yet if you truly respect and love each other, it means you chose someone else to put first, even beyond your own wants and needs. And no, though it doesn’t stop hurting, it does get easier to let go of the selfishness keeping your wounds fresh and stinging every time you exercise patience.

I’m not going to enjoy the journey. No one’s keeping score along the way. The journey is the reward. Should I fail to find the joy in the now, should my patience stretch too thin to see the humor in today then I truly have failed.

The reality is we are in the here and now.

And to bring closure to this part of my journey, I have to go back to once more to the bargaining table.

The symbol for wisdom is the way between the mouth and the ear.

It's time to speak and to listen.

Wishing blue skies

2009-06-07T19:51:00.000-04:00

Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the doubt and sadness
I know that better things are on their way.
Here's hoping that the days ahead
Won't be as bitter as the ones behind you
Be an optimist instead,
And somehow happiness will find you.
Forget what happened yesterday,
I know that better things are on their way.
It's really good to see you rocking out
And having fun,
Living like you've just begun.
Accept your life and what it brings,
I hope tomorrow you find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
Here's wishing you the bluest sky
And hoping something better comes tomorrow
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses to
Follow all the drudge and sadness
I know that better things are on the way.
I know you've got a lot of good things happening up ahead.
The past is gone, it's all been said.
So here's to what the future brings,
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.
I know tomorrow you'll find better things.

Time warp

2009-06-07T19:45:00.002-04:00

What is really bothering me about this entire situation is that, for all intents and purposes it appears we are living in the 1950's.

How is that even possible?

Does anyone in this island understand the message of Obama.

Change can happen, but only if you are willing to embrace, risk.

The nepotism and racism is strangling this country.

We need to learn, to stand on the shoulders of giants.

To learn from our mistakes.

It is very costly to the hearts and souls of our people to keep repeating them.

What legacy do we give our children when we pander to the system.

Everyone tells me this is a fight I can't win.

It is the cycle. The way of life here.

I beg to differ.

I have the audacity to hope.

Back hurts

2009-06-04T19:13:00.001-04:00

I am hoping that, that time of the month is coming.

I am feeling very down today, it is just as well as I have enough flexibility in the job to sit with the laptop in the garden to do it. Feel the sunlight, and watch my parrot preen himself.

Be thankful for small mercies.

Trini Girl Blue

2009-06-03T20:27:00.004-04:00

The secret to the valley is to have a simple want that can be fulfilled.

I'm in the same place, but the good thing for me is that this is familiar territory. I know the landscape.

I have a sense of direction this time, I know where I am going.

So little want.

A day at the beach. Either Corpus Christi or better if I can swing it, a beach house for Labour Day weekend.

A night spent listening to the sound of the ocean.
A day spent watching at awe at its vastness.
Knowing that it connects me to some distant shore elsewhere.

A glimmer of hope in the horizon.

The Child - Me

And when I die and when I'm dead, dead and gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
I'm not scared of dying and I don't really care.
If it's peace you find in dying, well, then let the time be near.
If it's peace you find in dying, when dying time is here,
just bundle up my coffin cause it's cold way down there,
I hear that's it's cold way down there, yeah, crazy cold way down there.
And when I die and when I'm gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
My troubles are many, they're as deep as a well.
I can swear there ain't no heaven but I pray there ain't no hell.
Swear there ain't no heaven and pray there ain't no hell,
but I'll never know by living, only my dying will tell,
only my dying will tell, yeah, only my dying will tell.
And when I die and when I'm gone,
there'll be one child born and a world to carry on, to carry on.
Give me my freedom for as long as I be. All I ask of living is to have no chains on me.
All I ask of living is to have no chains on me,
and all I ask of dying is to go naturally, only want to go naturally.
Don't want to go by the devil, don't want to go by the demon,
don't want to go by Satan, don't want to die uneasy, just let me go naturally.
And when I die and when I'm gone, there'll be one child born, there'll be one child born.
When I die, there'll be one child born. When I die, there'll be one child born.
When I die, there'll be one child born. When I die, there'll be one child born.

Living Legacy two

2009-06-02T18:59:00.002-04:00

If you are only attempting to imitate the parent.

You are destined to fail.

At some point, your own self identity. Combined of both parents, if you were lucky enough to have them.

Other parental influences.

And TIME.

Will finally be distilled into your own self identity.

Know yourself.

The secret to success.

In LIFE.

I am a living legacy

2009-06-02T18:58:00.001-04:00

An only child alone and wild
A cabinet maker’s son
His hands were meant for different work
And his heart was known to none

He left his home and went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me a gift I know
I never can repay

A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn’t wait

He earned his love through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

My brothers’ lives were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago
And the other to St Paul

And I’m in Colorado
When I’m not in some hotel
Living out this life I’ve chose
And come to know so well

I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go

I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I don’t think
I said, "I love you" near enough

The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
I’m just a living legacy
To the leader of the band

I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band.

The mile has just started, hope it gets easier

2009-05-31T22:02:00.000-04:00

Passed a young man on the street dressed in rags couldn’t have been more than 25
Lying on the sidewalk in a sleeping bag and a sign that read:
Your kindness keeps me alive
I remember I stopped and turned around couldn’t hold my tongue saying something about that sign bothers me
So I asked him, “Why’s a guy like you healthy, white and young living off working folk’s charity?” He said,

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you

My mouth fell open wide shocked by the truth
The look in his eyes was wise and sad
He said, “Brother, I was born a rich man’s son, but I gave it all away, every last dollar I ever had”.
He wanted to know how it felt to be humbled by disdain, pity and indignation.
He asked me if I’d read the book Black Like Me. He said it was his inspiration.

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you

Just when we think we know what’s really going on
Life serves us a surprise
A lesson to learn again and again
‘Cause we’ve all been victimized by prejudice and lies

Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Judge not your brother
Walk a mile in his shoes
You see he’s doing the best that he can do
Like me and you.

Avatar

2009-05-31T03:54:00.000-04:00

Book 2 Chapter 19

Time to clear my chakras.

This is painful.

Am I the Queen or the Soldier ?

2009-05-23T19:32:00.000-04:00

The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more"
The queen knew she'd seen his face someplace before
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I've watched your palace up here on the hill
And I've wondered who's the woman for whom we all kill
But I am leaving tomorrow and you can do what you will
Only first I am asking you why."

Down in the long narrow hall he was led
Into her rooms with her tapestries red
And she never once took the crown from her head
She asked him there to sit down.

He said, "I see you now, and you are so very young
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won
And I've got this intuition, says it's all for your fun
And now will you tell me why?"

The young queen, she fixed him with an arrogant eye
She said, "You won't understand, and you may as well not try"
But her face was a child's, and he thought she would cry
But she closed herself up like a fan.

And she said, "I've swallowed a secret burning thread
It cuts me inside, and often I've bled"
He laid his hand then on top of her head
And he bowed her down to the ground.

"Tell me how hungry are you? How weak you must feel
As you are living here alone, and you are never revealed
But I won't march again on your battlefield"
And he took her to the window to see.

And the sun, it was gold, though the sky, it was gray
And she wanted more than she ever could say
But she knew how it frightened her, and she turned away
And would not look at his face again.

And he said, "I want to live as an honest man
To get all I deserve and to give all I can
And to love a young woman who I don't understand
Your highness, your ways are very strange."

But the crown, it had fallen, and she thought she would break
And she stood there, ashamed of the way her heart ached
She took him to the doorstep and she asked him to wait
She would only be a moment inside.

Out in the distance her order was heard
And the soldier was killed, still waiting for her word
And while the queen went on strangeling in the solitude she preferred
The battle continued on

What I want to tell Cedric

2009-05-22T20:19:00.002-04:00

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Don't give up' cos you have friends
Don't give up You're not beaten yet
Don't give up I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought I could be affected
Thought that we'd be the last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up You still have us
Don't give up We don't need much of anything
Don't give up'cause somewhere
There's a place where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
It's going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us

Don't give up
Please don't give up'

Got to walk out of here
I can't take anymore
Going to stand on that bridge
Keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come
And whatever may go
That river's flowing
That river's flowing

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up' cause you have friends
Don't give up You're not the only one
Don't give up No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up You still have us
Don't give up now We're proud of who you are
Don't give up You know it's never been easy
Don't give up'cause I believe there's the a place
There's a place where we belong

Not ready as yet

2009-05-21T20:48:00.002-04:00

I thought about going to UWI summer school, but the deadline was yesterday and well....

I don't want to set up myself for a fall, I need to let go of my anger.

And that is very hard, I am accustomed to using it to drive me. It is in many ways my strongest source of motivation. To let go would be to admit that I am helpless, and alone and sad and have an emptiness inside me, a deep sense of longing.

And nothing and no one can fill that void. And it can't be filled and I have to live with it. Be conciously aware of it, learn how it affects me. My behaviour. And to do that would be to admit defeat.

I'm not ready to do that, not for the present situation at the moment. I'm not finished. I have unfinished business I have to fix.

When I have done that, maybe I can let go. When I've given it all that I have, so til then, I suppose I am making a concious decision to hold on to some of my anger. As unhealthy as it is.

Life sucks.

Turning 30

2009-05-15T21:07:00.001-04:00

I turn 30 in December.

I have already decided that some serious changes are necessary before then. Strangely enough, the job is not one of them.

If I am still there in December it will officially be the longest I have ever been with an employer. Weird.

But it is a stepping stone to the career I want. Which unfortunately has a whole set of emotional hurdles to reach.

But for the first time in a very long time I have a vision of the future.

Time to play in my own interests

2009-05-03T15:23:00.002-04:00

Somewhere down the line
We've found the riddle and the rhyme
Like two notes played out of time
Now we don't feeling the score, no no

Somehow through the years
We let the laughter turn to tears
And all those feelings once so clear
Just not here anymore?anymore
And sometimes I?

Wish we were heroes in the setting sun
Ride up together when the story's done
No sad goodbyes no, alibis just
Two heroes waving from the back of a train
Two heroes never feeling all of the pain

Heartbreaking rending of knowing the ending is near
Then it's time for goodbye
But so much for heroes we could never be heroes
Because heroes don't cry

Someone used to say
Love is a wind that goes astray
Stirs the heart and blows away
Ah, but who's to say
What makes it go, but you know that?

Wish we were heroes in the setting sun
Ride up together when the story's done
No sad goodbyes no, alibis just
Two heroes waving from the back of a train
Two heroes never feeling all of the pain

Heartbreaking rending of knowing the ending is near
Then it's time for goodbye
But so much for heroes we could never be heroes
Because heroes don't cry

Trinidad is too small

2009-04-28T20:05:00.002-04:00

I think the seven degrees of separation rule is probably about three.

My mother calls me from beyond

2009-04-25T05:07:00.001-04:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a woman, my daughter!

Dogs in a manger

2009-04-19T21:00:00.002-04:00

I had guards like watchdogs dogs in a manger
I could feel the protection possession and anger
and I drove out of there with no one behind me
Feeling funny and free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
And I got nothing to hide

I laughed as I said it
This is my situation
It's not pictures or privilege
Its just self preservation

I don't want you to feel any obligation
would it be so funny to be free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
And I got nothing to hide

We act empty and innocent
But we are fueled by distortions of lives led in discontent
Trading misfortunes
(now you guard your faith)
Cause faith is one thing that is hard to deliver
(temper your speed)

It feels funny being free

All you pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't you precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers

Pretty pretenders
negligent vendors
Aren't we precious inside
I have no need for anger with intimate strangers
I got nothing to hide

I had guards like watchdogs dogs in a manger

Dog or Dogeater

2009-04-18T20:39:00.002-04:00

I am beginning to realise that Cedric may not be a dogeater by nature. He's scared. I mean yeah, Lord voldemort is scary but he is not unbeatable.

It is by examining the true nature of Voldemort and sacrificing himself that Harry Potter was able to beat Lord Voldemort.

But that requires a level of courage and resolve, that I am not sure is in the Trini psyche.

The question becomes, who is the rightful hogwarth's champion. In that minute where they have to decide who takes the cup.

I suspect that Harry Potter needs to go on by himself like in the Philosopher's stone.

For every Bastard, an Angel

2009-04-17T19:52:00.001-04:00

Here's to the memory of the person who taught me how to roast chestnuts

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping on your nose,
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir,
And folks dressed up like Eskimos.

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
I am a better person for having known you

LOOKING THROUGH THE EYES OF LOVE

2009-04-17T06:19:00.000-04:00

Please, don't let this feeling end,
It's everything I am,
Everything I wanna be;
I can see what's mine now,
Finding out what's true,
Since I've found you
Lookin' through the eyes of love

Now I can take the time,
I can see my life
As it comes on shining now;
Reaching out to touch you,
I can feel so much,
Since I've found you
Lookin' through the eyes of love.

And now I do believe,
That even in a storm, we'll find some light;
Knowing you're beside me,
I'm alright.

A theory

2009-04-13T22:32:00.002-04:00

Maybe the thing which made you a good shop owner, came with a hidden compromise which was not detected since the halting language was assumed to be a result of the foreign language barrier and not a thought pattern. Or maybe the original mother tongue, required this said thought pattern which explains a lot.

Uhmmm....

Saying NO

2009-04-13T20:31:00.001-04:00

I was once told by a very wise person, that what will save you in this world is when you say no.

Another very wise person told me, is that you do not pick your battles, but you can pick your battlefield.

It takes a lot of effort just to manoeuvre yourself into a position from which you can fight certain battles. But only when you are in position, can you really advance.

Hopefully things will come together next week.

I am ready to start.

New Career Choice

2009-04-07T17:38:00.002-04:00

Masters in Occupational Therapy.

Start doing it distance from FIU.

This is the problem with being so bright.

The possibilities are endless, but in some ways this will also suit me.

You read my mind

2009-04-05T20:51:00.002-04:00

Trini Girl Blue, must have read my mind.

It's been ten years since my mother died. And I have for some time, 2006 I suspect, been unable to shake this underlying sadness that travels at my side. I remember climbing temple IV in Tikal, Guatemala. It was a trip I had planned for two years prior.

And I watched the moon fade and the sun rise and still, in that perfect moment. Something was missing. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I met Cedric, by happenstance. Or perhaps it was fate. He helped me remember the part of me that is my mother. She lives inside me everyday. But there are parts of her that, now that I am an adult in my own right. I have to leave and put aside.

This is the hardest thing that I will ever have to do in my life.

And I have to do it alone, without her here to tell me its OK.

And that takes a giant leap of faith in my own judgement.

But until I do this, I will never be able to take my place where I truly belong.

Dream job

2009-04-04T22:29:00.004-04:00

Design the working relationships and connections between all things.

Each component in a system performs multiple functions, and each function is supported by many elements.

Key to efficient design is observation and replication of natural ecosystems, where designers maximize diversity, stress efficient energy planning, using and accelerating natural succession, and increasing the highly productive "edge-zones" within the system.

Now take any system, natural or man-made and build the controls for cross linkages and feedback.

I highly doubt this is something which is taught in academia.

Particularly for me, since I don't really stop at people or technology or plants. I go Da Vinci

My masters?

2009-04-04T21:59:00.002-04:00

Course Code: GINF 5010
Course Title: Principles of Geoinformatics

Course Code: ENGR 6012
Course Title: Hydrology & Drainage Systems

Course Code: ENGR 6013
Course Title: Chemistry & Microbiology for Environmental Engineering

Course Code: MENG 6405
Course Title: Total Quality Management

Course Code: ECNG 6613
Course Title: Database Systems Principles & Design

Course Code: IENG 6002
Course Title : Distributed Information Systems & Databases

AGCP 6250 (AC 624) - WEED SCIENCE (8 Credits)

AGRI 6210 (AP621) - BIOLOGY, ECOLOGY AND EPIDEMIOLOGY
OF PESTS (4 Credits)

AGSL 6143 (AS 643) - TROPICAL SOIL SCIENCE (4 Credits)

AGSL 6140 (AS 640) - SOIL CHEMISTRY AND FERTILITY
(4 Credits)

AGSL 6141 (AS 641) - SOIL WATER MANAGEMENT

COMP6400 (CS64B) - DESIGN AND ANALYSIS OF
ALGORITHMS (4 Credits)

COMP6730 (CS62C) - CRYPTOGRAPHY (4 Credits)

E-books

2009-04-04T21:24:00.003-04:00

I really do want this book, but ....

I think I need yet another credit card.

Really my life is getting way too complicated.

2010 ?

2009-04-04T21:12:00.000-04:00

1990... will we ever learn
Or will our children keep running and running
until the end of time
1990... will hands of love ever reach out
Or will they be there just to strengthen the crime?
It is strange that the more we change, rearrange
Everything still feels the same

2010... please make a liar of me

Thoughts on Obama

2009-04-03T19:36:00.003-04:00

I have been having several conversations with different people about the status quo in this country. I have also been reading Obama's Dreams of my father.

Maybe it is naive, but we need to decide if the time is coming when we too, shall challenge the status quo of this country.

It has been a long time since I have had race and skin tone and class, openly thrown in my face against me. It's ......beyond words.

But beyond the anger and despair. Is the audacity of Hope.

Hope that we can challenge our ancestors legacy of fear.

Refuse to hand it down.

And each do our part, in our own little sphere, to impart understanding.

Third time lucky?

2009-04-02T16:51:00.001-04:00

I don't go to therapy to find out if I'm a freak
I go and I find the one and only answer every week
And it's just me and all the memories to follow
Down any course that fits within a fifty minute hour
And we fathom all the mysteries, explicit and inherent
When I hit a rut, she says to try the other parent
And she's so kind, I think she wants to tell me something,
But she knows that it's much better if I get it for myself...
And she says

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, what do you hear in these sounds?
And... oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds? ? ? ? ?

I say I hear a doubt, with the voice of true believing
And the promises to stay, and the footsteps that are leaving
And she says "oh", I say "what? "...she says "exactly",
I say"what, you think I'm angry
Does that mean you think I'm angry? "
She says "look, you come here every week
With jigsaw pieces of your past
Its all on little soundbytes and voices out of photographs
And that's all yours, that's the guide, that's the map
So tell me, where does the arrow point to?
Who invented roses? "
And.......

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds?
And...oooooooh,aaaaaaah
What do you hear in these sounds? ? ? ? ?

And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think
That it only makes you selfish and in love with your shrink
But oh how I loved everybody else
When I finally got to talk so much about myself............

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, cause I am like east berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, the stories that nobody hears...and...

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, and I collect these sounds in my ears...and

Oooooooh,aaaaaaah, that's what I hear in these sounds...and...

I am alive

2009-03-30T02:43:00.001-04:00

Just thinking a lot

"You may still be here tomorrow....
but your dreams may not"

I realised too late

2009-02-12T19:02:00.001-04:00

There's a girl inside the woman
who's waiting to get free

They think she's just a mother
with nothing left inside
who swapped her dreams for drudgery
the day she was a bride
but the dreams were not forgotten
just wrapped, and packed away
in the hope that she could take them out
and dust them off one day

There's a girl inside the woman
and the mother she became
and half-remembered song comes to her lips again

The girl would sing the melody
but the woman stands in doubt
and wonders what the price would be
for letting the young girl out

Common cold

2009-02-08T15:00:00.003-04:00

I broke my own rules about working whilst sick.

The result is I now have serious chest congestion.

Every time I start to drift off, I cough myself awake.

It's getting worse.

So it looks like I will be out for the week. Really must try to document things better, so it's easier for other to pick up.

Sleep needy.

End Game

2009-02-07T15:56:00.002-04:00

" And dammit, you should have discussed it with me.
I felt it would have lead to an unnecessary argument.
Maybe it would have lead to a necessary argument.
....
There must be responsibility...
It wasn't your place to do so.
Perhaps, Perhaps not. Sometimes you simply have to assess the situation and say, ' Dammit, it's me or no one.' And if you can't live with no one, then you have to take action.
....
The correct answer is: It's gone. So why dwell on it?"

Illusions

2009-02-01T20:03:00.000-04:00

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Game Plan

2009-01-31T17:57:00.002-04:00

After the panic subsides, it's time to form the game plan.

The game now is capital preservation. Time to rebalance portfolios and reassess risk ratings.

Rule number 1. Take care of yourself first. A financial advisor is of no use if they are worried about themselves, subliminally affecting their decisions.

Rule number 2. Don't panic. In a market this small it is easy to crash the system. I need to have my game face ready by monday, which means I have to sort myself out.

New currency distribution - 33% in foreign currency. Had this underlying rule but given poor rate of return, got greedy and overbalanced on the TT side.

Rule 3 - Obey your best rule of thumb.

Rule 4 - Even spread TT risk between institutions, overbalanced on this as well. See rule 3.

Alright time frame

Carnival is here, whilst diminished there should be enough FOREX flowing in the system for my purposes. So rebalance by carnival.

Chinese Curse

2009-01-30T19:41:00.000-04:00

May you live in exciting times

Leadership

2009-01-29T02:22:00.000-04:00

Last year, work sent me on the stupid Dale Carnegie Leadership Training.

Total waste of time.

I am always surprised that leadership exists within me, since it only comes out in crisis....

You find that the ride is getting kind of bumpy,

Realise that the driver is losing control,

Look around

Shout for help

And no one arrives....

What do you do ?

I guess I'm it.

A jump into the Abyss

2009-01-25T20:24:00.002-04:00

Years ago, in university, a group of us pooled together to buy a friend the gift of a bungee jump. She turned it down, company was nice we got a refund and had drinks but at the time I couldn't understand why she didn't want to do it.

Now facing the figurative abyss, I understand what she must have felt.

Even though you are prepared and there are safety ropes, there are still risks associated with taking the plunge.

It's even more precarious because I have to do a tandem jump.

I don't know if I want him to say yes or no.

I would probably be somewhat relieved if he says no.

Either way, here we go.

Stopping a rolling boulder

2009-01-18T19:48:00.002-04:00

This is going to hurt.

But I feel the need to make an attempt.

Viekevie

2009-01-14T19:44:00.001-04:00

Today was a real viekevie day.

I mean it was like impossible to keep focus, anywhere.
Too much competing, conflicting information.

Tomorrow afternoon's meeting is going to be much fun.

Leadership cannot be taught, it must be learned.

Here comes the plunge.

Design

2009-01-11T21:02:00.002-04:00

Just because you are on a well trodden path, doesn't mean it leads to where you want to go.

This year is the big 3 0.

So what have I accomplished?

I've learned
to love and to let go
to fight and to look before rushing into the fray
to keep a dream in the field of vision, but not be afraid to pass by a road that seems to lead to it
that sometimes courage is confronting the known rather than the unknown

I wouldn't be who I am now, if things had been different.

And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Drip Drip Drip

2009-01-05T20:50:00.002-04:00

Apparently flow has a clog somewhere, so it has been drip, drip, drip, drip.

Time to catch up on some other activities. But I just had to say this.

You see that "advanced" decay body they found today.

He no doubt died last year.

I put the real count at 1,000.
545 + 15% (unfound bodies) = 627 + 373 (missing)

Still I don't feel unsafe day to day, maybe I'm oblivious but it was sunny today.

2009

2009-01-02T19:41:00.002-04:00

Things to look forward to in 2009.

Hopefully the project I am working on will come to an end, so I can move on.

K gets to progress to the next level.

I find a new extracurricular come July.

I find something to invest in.

Year of the Ox

2008-12-25T18:21:00.002-04:00

We are coming to the end of the year of the Rat and unto the year of the Ox.

Ox means hard work.

Strangely, the year of the Rat has been good for me.

I have just the right balance of sameness and change.

Here's to looking forward.

Annuity

2008-12-21T21:12:00.001-04:00

Turns out the annuity, lead me to realise that my PAYE was wrong.
HR going to hear my mouth in the morning.

Calling out to sea

2008-12-16T19:57:00.000-04:00

You know it's been a bad day, when I've reverted to Dar Williams.

Spelling and Grammar

2008-12-13T18:15:00.002-04:00

I can't bring myself to correct a lot of the bad spelling of my students. I, myself without autocorrect can't even spell potential correctly half the time and I use it on a fairly regular basis.

I'm not sure it call all be attributed to dyslexia either. The English Language is a funny thing, words don't look, how they sound. Take a simple word like "because" it should look like becoz.

The next thing is grammar. My grammar is also appauling, but like I say, no one pays me to write. But due to force, my programming syntax is getting better these days, but that will quickly dissappear once I stop doing it on a daily basis.

I think that is the point, my students don't really need a high level of written language on an every day basis. One drives, we don't really read when we drive, driving requires the exact sort of 3D perception that dyslexics are supposed to possess. So if you can't tell that on a 2D piece of paper which way "the" is pointing, who really cares.

Anyway, gone to look for some pictures for the spelling review next Jan...
Scissors - maybe I am not that bad.

Priorities

2008-12-04T19:36:00.000-04:00

Have any hope that the person who is in power during the next boom will build us a hospital before giving themselves a palace?

That time of year again

2008-11-27T18:22:00.002-04:00

Around this time of year, I watch the tax payable on my bonus and think. I should get an annuity. Unfortunately in this respect, I have too much knowledge to be sold by a regular agent.

An annuity is by nature a long term product. In my case it matures in 20 years. Therefore the decision in choosing your pension provider is not one to take lightly.

You must have a reasonable belief that the company will be around when you come to collect.

I've boiled it down to Tatil and Scotia. It's not that I don't have confidence in Guardian, Sagicor, Clico etc. It's just personal preference really and I have a hook up in both.

Second are you being sold the correct product. Whilst I was living in the UK there was a huge misselling of pensions scandal.

Basically they would sell you the product they got the most commission on, not the product that best suited your needs.
In the end the law judgement was that agents were liable for the first ten years of the policy life and persistency rates became part of regulatory reporting.

The persistency rate is the number of policies sold x number of years ago to which policyholders are still actively contributing. It is expected to decrease over time.

All the local insurance companies are front end commission based, hence the same incentive for misselling exists in the market. In one case the commission is as high as 40% of contributions in the first year. Evil.

So question for agent. What is your persistency rate? Even if I have to explain what it is, you should still be able to give it.

Second question, What life expectancy are your commutation factors based on?

The commutation factor is what is $1.00 worth at maturity for the rest of your life. Now we don't actually work out life tables for this country so you will be assumed to be living in the UK, US or Canada depending on the affliation of the company.

However hopefully as medical advances continue, it should be assumed that life expectancy also increases so that $1.00 should be worth more. Ideally the commutation in the quote should consider this.
For myself female at age 50 it should be somewhere between 12 and 15.

Next question is how are the assets managed and do you have control to balance the fund. This is a valid question for Scotia not for Tatil.
They should ideally have some long term bonds in the fund but the government doesn't issue many of these so we are always mismatching the durations of the assets to the liabilities in this country.

And at the end of all this I'll probably still end up banking on my tree farm.

Central Market

2008-11-21T19:18:00.003-04:00

We usually go to the Central Market on a Sunday morning. You have to leave the house by 7am if you want to meet a good range of products. On arriving to the market, we drive around to the back to look for a park. There are no lines in the car park but Trinis do a pretty good job of spacing out the lines of cars.

Whilst going through the back entrance you get a very pungent whiff of urine as it is down wind from the public restrooms. There is a large skiff and usually by this time, piles of cork husks once corn is available. Just pass the entrance is a pineapple/ watermelon vendor and a coconut vendor.

Vendors tend to specialise. Citrus vendors sell citrus maybe some banana, odd grap of coconuts. Paw Paw vendors paw paw and so on.
These speciality vendors tend to be in the back (priority side) and sell off their pickups.

Under the shed are the clothes vendors on the back and dry good on the front. On the front side are assorted vegetable vendors. Here you get the imported carrot, cabbage etc mixed with the local cucumber, christophene etc.

I'm afraid I don't know most of the vendors names, but I can split up with my shopping partner and say "meet you by sours" Sours is the always sour potato man. Or I will say I gon by rover. Rover is a lady fish vendor who drives a rover. Clearly fish vending is good business.

Some of the strangers who are not regulars with spring balance scales don't give true weight. Beware.

Generally market comes up to $300 these days, it used to be $200, this does not include fish. But considering how much time it takes the fruit to grow the prices are good.

Paw paw - 6 months
Banana - 3 months
Coconut - 3 months

Years to grow, minutes to go.

Negative NPV

2008-11-18T20:03:00.002-04:00

Going to look for some articles on what to do if due to current economic outlook your project now has a negative NPV.

Surely this must be a very topical subject at the moment.

Time stands still

2008-11-18T20:00:00.002-04:00

Check date posted

86 year old aunt on Barack Obama's win

2008-11-07T23:41:00.002-04:00

"The world has gone crazy. Who ever heard of a black man ruling white men. There is going to be a lot more oppression... "

Whilst I do think the old woman is depressingly pessimistic, she is by no means addled.

Harsh economic situations, tend to make us most divisive like crabs in a barrel.

Still I am young enough that I dare to hope.

Should I sell/ give away

2008-11-02T12:59:00.002-04:00

All my things I no longer use? Create some space ?

Michelle Shocked CD
Indigo Girls CD

Linoleum for carving, Linoleum carving set.
Art straws
Raffia
Wool assorted crochet and knitting stuff.
Embroidery stuff
Match stick model never completed
Trivia Pursuit sets

And what ever else lies in storage on my top two shelves.

Uhmm all that effort.

Other things

2008-10-31T18:57:00.002-04:00

Was seriously screwed over at work this week.

On to Other Things:

I got five okra and two bodi this week.
The Bodi is coming nicely, but it has too much vine on that trellis between it the pepper vine and poui.

Corn is a dismal failure, as was trip to land.

Unlike everyone else in the house, I have not gotten the flu.

And I am officially on track for the course. Very pleased about that.

And to look forward to:

It is only five days to one week's vacation

Finally get the pj, multiple user development done by someone else.

A good visit to the beach.

Premium Gas

2008-10-21T21:39:00.001-04:00

Uhm... so now that the market price has fallen, the "opportunity" cost of the subsidy no longer exists. So...any bets that it takes two more IMF reports to revert the Premium gas price to $3.00...

Education is about learning to think for yourself. Maybe the Mrs. could help.

My christmas wish.

2008-10-20T15:41:00.001-04:00

At least eight months

2008-10-11T23:58:00.002-04:00

It's going to take at least eight months for the slow down to hit Trinidad in full. Why, because the government has the heritage fund to spend.

And for the naive who believe that they can't do a "Prevatt" again.

Do you really trust any of the signatories on the fund?

Brisingr

2008-10-04T19:27:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you have to go around the world and back to arrive at a point two steps away.

It is sad but true fact.

If only Brom had just taken Eragon to the elves and told him the truth, (pg 101, Eragon).

Yeah I'm rereading after the revelations of Brisingr. Everything is obvious with hindsight.

Then two years to await the conclusion.

I'm not Cat

2008-09-29T23:06:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow I'm going to negotiate my future.

I am past anger.

I am almost at defeat.

The thing I want most is something intangible.

It is a chance to glimpse what might have been.........

It's probably a delusion.

And the other party will never understand why it's a deal breaker for me.

Is there a point when the wrong choice for the right reasons, becomes the right choice?

Uhm...

Candy Shop

2008-09-28T21:15:00.000-04:00

The best movie in the Film Festival so far.

Bastante

2008-09-22T22:08:00.006-04:00

Just came back from The Price of Sugar.

And I have to say I am grateful.
I've spent the last few days moping because I'm not happy with the current work situation. But I have to say, my life is really not very shitty. In fact it's pretty spectacular.

I have running water, more or less constant.
I have electricity and unlimited broadband.
And I have never had to make hard financial decisions.

I have always had enough, perhaps not all I wanted, but enough. Bastante.

Cascade Taxi Fare

2008-09-22T22:08:00.002-04:00

Is now $4.00

Dreamfall

2008-09-21T18:12:00.002-04:00

I have just finished reading Dreamfall, the final in a series by Joan Vinge. I can't believe that after what Cat has gone through, Ms Vinge intended for him to end up still drifting. But we'll never know since the author had a debilitating car crash shortly after she wrote it and hasn't written anything since.

I need to find a more hopeful book, Brisingr, is next. After that I'll probably taper off the sci-fi/fantasy theme.

But this was a good time for me to read Dreamfall, It reminded of the need for compromise and well that sometimes you have to make hard choices...

"None of this would have happened. But other things would have. Maybe they wouldn't have been any better"

I must not tell lies

2008-09-14T17:56:00.002-04:00

There have been several news reports about dengue over the last few months.

Still the official status is that there is no dengue outbreak in Trinidad.

So what do I believe?

Unfortunately the dengue reality reached me over a month ago. Since then friends, family and co-workers have all come down with the disease. A few have reached hospital, thankfully none have died.

I think Patrick is like Cornelius Fudge, and it is only when the serpent appears in the ministry itself that he will believe the truth that is plain to all.

September 8, 2008

2008-09-07T19:49:00.002-04:00

I am going to work tomorrow.

Well, short of Inshan getting arrested under the terrorism bill again.

Why, because I don't know what exactly we are protesting.

I am not for this general protest thing, it is too oanti.
At some point you have to stop being anti and start being for something.
The opposition still hasn't figured out what they are for.

So if you invited me to

Remove VAT from fast food/ food preparation enterprises.
I do not want to pay VAT on my KFC. I might support you.
Come take part in some guerrilla planting on some state lands, with trees, ie stuff that would provide food but not require lots of aftercare like breadfruit. I would come with spade in hand.

But to stay home- in this weather and do what exactly? No that does help. I'll do more good helping ALTA register students on Tuesday.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew When I bit off more than I could chew

2008-09-04T17:58:00.000-04:00

....

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

Steups

2008-09-02T17:20:00.002-04:00

Daz alls Iz feelin

Steups

De wuk

De plant

De road

De people

Waitin for Bringsr to dilude me mine.

Rice and Breadfruit

2008-08-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

Breadfruit is in season again, this is the second time for the year. If we would pick and process it, if only to use it for livestock feed, we could probably cut down on the wheat/rice import bill and dependency.

I want to get some ole time hill rice to try an experimental bed. Just to see how it comes out.

The corn is doing OK, but it is suffering from too much water. The rain is really taking a toll on the other plants as well.

Bodi is being eaten by the birds, heck everyting is being eaten by the birds and some insect or other. Organic is not viable for commercial production.

Sickier is coming along well.

Need to make a professional tree climber friend.

Heh heh.

clan mentality

2008-08-05T20:02:00.002-04:00

When things go wrong, Trinidadians resort to clan mentality. It was one of the most infuriating things I found when I returned. Everyone asks you so is XX your family? Forget individuality, someone will judge you because of what your grandfather did to his father.

Between that and a commissioner of police who can't secure his own house, we are doomed to self destruct, sooner rather than later.

Real or perceived

2008-07-28T21:27:00.001-04:00

So what was the real reason the current prime minister and leader of the opposition were NOT in the Red house on July 27, 1990?

4 Hour work week

2008-07-21T23:34:00.002-04:00

Absolute Hogwash!

Reminds me of another theory I once bought into. That you could change your life by travelling. Travel as a road to transformation.

But somewhere, I realised I was just running. It gets kind of tiring to keep running. Don't get me wrong Travel can be enlightening but it doesn't transform you. There is no quick fix, well not for me at least.

Sometimes it takes more courage and strength to face the known, than the unknown. Sometimes you close your eyes and take the risk to stay rather than flee to somewhere "better".

"If you leave for a better life
You will have to fight for that life wherever you go.
You do not choose to fight in this life.
To live is to struggle, to fight
But you can pick your battleground."

The End

2008-07-20T17:34:00.002-04:00

Well if they had known all it would take to kick in avatar state was a rock on the back, I think Saka would have done it a long time ago.

At least the authors did not feel the need unlike some others(HPDH), to needlessly kill off some of the main characters.

The next serial I am looking forward to is the last book in the Eragon series.

All's well that ends well.

Growing up

2008-07-16T22:17:00.002-04:00

The corn is now taller than me but the paw paw is suffering from fungus. Too much rain.

I'm thinking about volunteering for the evening shift for a while. 4-10pm everyday. They will be providing dinner and transport so it's not a bad deal.

I am a night owl anyway. The final season of Avatar is here. I'll miss it.

Can't wait to find out how his chakra gets unclear.

Dropout

2008-07-07T21:29:00.002-04:00

Been feeling stressed out. Sometimes when I'm tired and feeling unappreciated I learnt to do something you are really good at.
Hence the reason I have been spending hours playing dropout.

I am now consistently in the top five and am aiming for one of the all time top scores.

100th post

2008-06-30T20:35:00.002-04:00

Wow, OK this is officially my longest lasting blog. The others usually died before this.

Haven't been blog reading much, mostly because I have been reading books. I read by vaps. One month it is like a book a day, then I don't read for months.

Haven't been to the Logos as yet, but they aren't good for fiction books, but might have some non-fiction bargains.

Now that the school term is over I have six hours a week extra, need to find something constructive to do with them. Thinking about taking up sowing. Never mind my friends who laugh. The best deal I have found is a $700 Brother at Standard.

The variance on small appliances like this is enormous in this country, mostly because of the large number of small resellers.

Littlest Hobo

2008-06-23T21:03:00.003-04:00

I'm bored at work. It's not there is not a lot of work to do, but I have passed the learning curve. Now it's just a bunch of nonsensical bureaucracy. So I am vaguely looking to move, not something better necessarily just different.

It is my greatest weakness this instinct to flee. To unroot myself and look for a thermal to catch.

Primary School - Didn't change school, but essentially became part of the class I took lessons with at another school.
Secondary School - Changed school in the middle of lower six- turned out to be a good move.
University - Dropped out in the middle of final year, completed a different final year programme the next academic year.

Since then I have as many jobs in as many years.

There's a voice
That keeps on calling me
Down the road
That's where I'll always be

yuh is a trini when.....

2008-06-20T18:23:00.002-04:00

• Yuh get ‘licks’ with a guava whip.

• Yuh could name three kinds of mango.

• Yuh know how to scootch somebody.

• Yuh use to collect FRICO milk toys.

• Yuh know how to brakes a fall with a drink in yuh hand.

• Yuh could point with yuh mouth.

• Yuh could make chow with anything………anything!

• Yuh know how to storm a party.

• Yuh have a ‘jep ness’ in de gallery.

• Yuh get sting by de same ‘jep’ and try to kill the ‘jep’ with a broom and get sting again!

• Yuh drink anything with ice in it.

• Yuh EAT the ice when yuh finish the drink.

• Yuh eat doubles for breakfast on a Sunday morning or any morning.

• Yuh does bite up chicken bone then spit it out on the plate even if eating out.

• Yuh eat bread and condensed milk.

• Yuh does call any hot drink ‘tea’.

• Yuh does say “boy” at the start of a sentence.

• Yuh does say “man” at the end of the sentence. So the person grow up between de sentence ent?

• Yuh does get “vex” and not angry.

• Yuh does call any vaccination an “injection”.

• Yuh once own a bata or a 'flame' to go to school and coast them.

• “ENT” means yes, no, really, true etc.

• yuh mother does make de best sweetbread and pelau.

• Yuh father beat yuh for no reason. (abuse) and when yuh cry he ask “what yuh crying for?”

• Yuh shorten sentences by saying “whayuhsaying” and “whahappening”.

• Fellas, yuh flirt by having a foolish grin while raising yuh eyebrows.

• Yuh know what is de meaning of “dotish”

• Yuh own a cutlass.

• Yuh break biche at least once in yuh life.

• For you rain is a good excuse to miss school and work. Yuh could be living on a hill and somehow the place get flood out.

• Yuh know what a macko is....

• Yuh don't like when a macko minding yuh business but yet you guilty of mackoing...... dont lie! yuh know yuh fas!

• Yuh guilty of saying at least one of these expressions on a daily basis: 'waaay boy', 'dread', 'for real', 'nah man', 'stop it nah', 'scene', 'yuh done know', 'daz my one', 'wham to she boy'

Not quite

2008-06-16T18:32:00.002-04:00

Spoke a little soon, the rains aren't quite here. But I've already planted so I am committed. The guvament corn seed are growing quite nicely. Also planting sorrel for the first time. Cane season is almost gone. Pigeon peas is still fruiting he must be confused.

The rains have come

2008-06-13T08:07:00.002-04:00

Oh how very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life, eternally

Oh how very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime